The month of November marks an anniversary for me, one for which I do not have fond memories. For some context, Joey was a bit over a year old and Ben was 3 1/2.
Monday, November 2, 2009 was a pivotal day, the start to the two worst weeks of my life. I had a normal day at home with the boys and I knew Andrew would be gone all evening for a school event. I remember Joey was getting up before the sun (about 5:15ish) those days and the days were long, especially since Ben didn't take naps anymore. Mid afternoon, suddenly and out of nowhere, Ben tossed his cookies.
In those days, my mind played the game of "what-ifs." What if THIS happened, what if THAT happened, and I'd try to plan for every what-if scenario that could possibly occur at any moment. It left me stressed out a lot because I was trying to plan for anything and everything. The vast majority of these scenarios were not likely to happen, but I was more trusting in Murphy's Law (whatever can go wrong will) instead of God's sovreign plan for my life. I didn't realize it at the time.
When Ben threw up, I began the what-ifs. What if I can't get a hold of Andrew? What if he's running so late that he can't come home before going to his evening school event? What if Ben keeps puking all over the place and Joey crawls through it because I can't clean it up in time? What if I need Andrew to come home but I can't get a hold of him? Looking back, I was having a minor panic attack about it with racing heart beat and everything.
When I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt SO sick, like everything I ate Monday night was sitting like a brick in my stomach. Because I felt sick, Andrew stayed home from work. I slept all day (clue #1 something was up) but didn't think much of it and was fine by the end of the day. When Wednesday morning rolled around, I was a literal mess, sobbing that I didn't want Andrew to leave for the day, and I had no idea what was wrong with me. Of course, he had to leave. I was on the phone crying to at least one friend, Elizabeth, who somehow coaxed me into getting myself to Bible study that morning. I really have no idea how I made it there except on eagles' wings (Isaiah 40:31). I couldn't not cry in front of Elizabeth and anyone else with me that morning. Linda, the woman who directs the program, prayed over me. I went into my class, dragging Elizabeth along because I coudn't walk in alone. My class prayed for me. Finally by the end of the morning, I had calmed down and felt like myself again (though utterly exhausted).
If I remember correctly, I started tossing around in my head the possibility that I was having anxiety problems. It runs in my family and I'm no stranger to its effects. I think I was so upset Wednesday morning because I knew deep-down that was the underlying problem but for some reason couldn't admit it. After talking with Andrew and admitting it was the problem, I felt a lot better. I knew I needed to make a doctor's appointment immediatly, and they said I could see my doctor in 2 weeks. But another awful day on Thursday proved I couldn't wait... so I called back and saw the nurse practitioner Friday. I got a prescription for Xanax for immediate anxiety relief, as well as Celexa, an anti-depressant which is the long-term anxiety pill I have been on most of the last 3 years. I was THRILLED that I had solved the problem and felt GREAT that afternoon.
Andrew's parents came Friday because we knew he had another all-day school event on Saturday and I would definitely need help. I remember waking up Saturday feeling awful. It was a beautiful day and at one point the boys were outside with Milt and Carla. I just remember sitting with Carla on the swing in the back yard, my head on her shoulder, and crying because I felt so blue ... so uncontrollablly sad ... and there was nothing I could do about it. Because of the major shift in brain chemicals, I probably went into a real depression until my meds kicked in, and we knew that would take about 1 - 2 weeks if it was the right prescription and dosage for me.
Sunday morning I stood before my church family at the end of the service and tearfully shared my story, that I coveted their prayers, and needed their help. Mornings were the worst... I had no desire to get out of bed and start my day. Andrew was having to force me up. He worked it out with his principal that he could come home after lunch each day, but I still needed help in the mornings. That week of November 9-13 I had two wonderful ladies from my church, Vesta and Rosemary, who were able to come over and help me with the boys and housework until Andrew could get home. I was able to get out of bed in the morning with Andrew's help, but then was literally plastered to the couch until late morning when I finally started coming out of my funk. Andrew had a few more evening obligations and knowing I didn't want to be alone, he lined up some friends to come over and hang out with me and the boys.
By Friday of that week, the medication was really kicking in and I started feeling noticably better. By the next week when the meds had fully adjusted me back to "normal," I was actually better than normal. I was laid back, de-stressed, and I finally saw how wound-up I had made myself with those what-ifs. Andrew told me that he saw I was smiling so much more again. That really struck me... I was really that far down.
The next week was much better but still not easy, and I had to get back on the horse. My dear friend Hayli, who I fondly refer to as my "black and white friend," is gifted at telling me how it is and not sugar coating things. I asked her to be my voice of truth and put me on the horse again when I needed it. One morning that week I was supposed to go to Elizabeth's for a play date, and was very anxious about going alone (even though I had gone to her house so many times my car could probably drive itself over). I was trying to come up with excuses to not go, but I knew I needed to go. I called Hayli, she set me straight, and I took my famous cocktail of Xanax and Diet Coke (to combat the drowsy effects of the Xanax!). I went and had a wonderful much-needed morning of girlfriend time. I don't know what I would have done without those two girls during that time!!
Looking back on all of this, I have learned a lot about a lot of things. First, about 50-60% of people I talked to about my anxiety problems have themselves been on anxiety medication at some point in their lives. The more I talked about it, the more I realized I was not alone at all. Some people needed it short-term, some needed it longer. Taking meds for this problem, a brain chemical imbalance in my case, is no different than taking a pill for high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. My quality of life had substantially diminished because of my anxiety problems.
I've also learned to allow the "what ifs" to draw to their natural conclusions. For example, sometimes I would avoid driving on the interstate because I was fearful of a bad crash. What's the worst thing that could happen? I'd die and rush into the arms of Jesus for eternity. Not too shabby. I could have injuries. Ok, then the ambulance would come and take me the hospital. I could have minor injuries. I would have to get my car repaired or replaced. All not truly terrible terrible terrible things. I've retrained my brain to do this whenever I start falling into the "what ifs."
Most importantly, I've learned how to trust the Lord in a whole new way. I've learned to let go, to let His will (even if it's not ideal) be my comfort because His ways are best. My view of my life and circumstances are very limited, but His eyes have an eternal picture in mind. Jeremiah 29:11, which says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" actually makes sense to me now. He brought such comfort to me during those dark days. Each and every time I turned to the Word that week, there were verses that specifically addressed my anxiety issues. He walked me right through the storm and never left my side.
It's a sweet relief to be able to relinquish the control I thought I needed to have on my life to the Lord Jesus. He has set me free from my bondage to anxiety.
If you know someone with true, life-altering anxiety problems, it is easy to tell them not to worry. If they are a believer in Jesus, it is even easier to tell them that they don't trust God enough, or that they need to read Philippians 4:6 about not being anxious and just praying about it. But sometimes, there is a medical issue at hand (in my case, brain chemical imbalance) and it cannot be helped. I tell people that my anxiety nowadays is purely physical. It is nothing from my mind or emotions... it is just my imperfect, flawed-by-sin, covered-in-grace body doing what it does and I can't help it. Please be sensitive to that in others.
If you struggle with any of these issues, make a doctor's appointment right away. Not everyone has a need for medication, and your doctor can quickly determine if you do just by asking a few questions.
Thank you for letting me share this little bit about my life with you, and more importantly, how the Lord provided for me through people, medicine, and his Word to bring healing to my bones. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 tells of Paul's response to a flaw in his life that wouldn't go away.
That is my response too. I am thankful for this flaw in my life because it allows God's raise-a-dead-man-from-the-grave power to flourish in my life because a huge gap was left by my own weaknesses.
When I am weak, then I am strong. Thank you Jesus.
Monday, November 2, 2009 was a pivotal day, the start to the two worst weeks of my life. I had a normal day at home with the boys and I knew Andrew would be gone all evening for a school event. I remember Joey was getting up before the sun (about 5:15ish) those days and the days were long, especially since Ben didn't take naps anymore. Mid afternoon, suddenly and out of nowhere, Ben tossed his cookies.
In those days, my mind played the game of "what-ifs." What if THIS happened, what if THAT happened, and I'd try to plan for every what-if scenario that could possibly occur at any moment. It left me stressed out a lot because I was trying to plan for anything and everything. The vast majority of these scenarios were not likely to happen, but I was more trusting in Murphy's Law (whatever can go wrong will) instead of God's sovreign plan for my life. I didn't realize it at the time.
When Ben threw up, I began the what-ifs. What if I can't get a hold of Andrew? What if he's running so late that he can't come home before going to his evening school event? What if Ben keeps puking all over the place and Joey crawls through it because I can't clean it up in time? What if I need Andrew to come home but I can't get a hold of him? Looking back, I was having a minor panic attack about it with racing heart beat and everything.
When I woke up Tuesday morning, I felt SO sick, like everything I ate Monday night was sitting like a brick in my stomach. Because I felt sick, Andrew stayed home from work. I slept all day (clue #1 something was up) but didn't think much of it and was fine by the end of the day. When Wednesday morning rolled around, I was a literal mess, sobbing that I didn't want Andrew to leave for the day, and I had no idea what was wrong with me. Of course, he had to leave. I was on the phone crying to at least one friend, Elizabeth, who somehow coaxed me into getting myself to Bible study that morning. I really have no idea how I made it there except on eagles' wings (Isaiah 40:31). I couldn't not cry in front of Elizabeth and anyone else with me that morning. Linda, the woman who directs the program, prayed over me. I went into my class, dragging Elizabeth along because I coudn't walk in alone. My class prayed for me. Finally by the end of the morning, I had calmed down and felt like myself again (though utterly exhausted).
If I remember correctly, I started tossing around in my head the possibility that I was having anxiety problems. It runs in my family and I'm no stranger to its effects. I think I was so upset Wednesday morning because I knew deep-down that was the underlying problem but for some reason couldn't admit it. After talking with Andrew and admitting it was the problem, I felt a lot better. I knew I needed to make a doctor's appointment immediatly, and they said I could see my doctor in 2 weeks. But another awful day on Thursday proved I couldn't wait... so I called back and saw the nurse practitioner Friday. I got a prescription for Xanax for immediate anxiety relief, as well as Celexa, an anti-depressant which is the long-term anxiety pill I have been on most of the last 3 years. I was THRILLED that I had solved the problem and felt GREAT that afternoon.
Andrew's parents came Friday because we knew he had another all-day school event on Saturday and I would definitely need help. I remember waking up Saturday feeling awful. It was a beautiful day and at one point the boys were outside with Milt and Carla. I just remember sitting with Carla on the swing in the back yard, my head on her shoulder, and crying because I felt so blue ... so uncontrollablly sad ... and there was nothing I could do about it. Because of the major shift in brain chemicals, I probably went into a real depression until my meds kicked in, and we knew that would take about 1 - 2 weeks if it was the right prescription and dosage for me.
Sunday morning I stood before my church family at the end of the service and tearfully shared my story, that I coveted their prayers, and needed their help. Mornings were the worst... I had no desire to get out of bed and start my day. Andrew was having to force me up. He worked it out with his principal that he could come home after lunch each day, but I still needed help in the mornings. That week of November 9-13 I had two wonderful ladies from my church, Vesta and Rosemary, who were able to come over and help me with the boys and housework until Andrew could get home. I was able to get out of bed in the morning with Andrew's help, but then was literally plastered to the couch until late morning when I finally started coming out of my funk. Andrew had a few more evening obligations and knowing I didn't want to be alone, he lined up some friends to come over and hang out with me and the boys.
By Friday of that week, the medication was really kicking in and I started feeling noticably better. By the next week when the meds had fully adjusted me back to "normal," I was actually better than normal. I was laid back, de-stressed, and I finally saw how wound-up I had made myself with those what-ifs. Andrew told me that he saw I was smiling so much more again. That really struck me... I was really that far down.
The next week was much better but still not easy, and I had to get back on the horse. My dear friend Hayli, who I fondly refer to as my "black and white friend," is gifted at telling me how it is and not sugar coating things. I asked her to be my voice of truth and put me on the horse again when I needed it. One morning that week I was supposed to go to Elizabeth's for a play date, and was very anxious about going alone (even though I had gone to her house so many times my car could probably drive itself over). I was trying to come up with excuses to not go, but I knew I needed to go. I called Hayli, she set me straight, and I took my famous cocktail of Xanax and Diet Coke (to combat the drowsy effects of the Xanax!). I went and had a wonderful much-needed morning of girlfriend time. I don't know what I would have done without those two girls during that time!!
Looking back on all of this, I have learned a lot about a lot of things. First, about 50-60% of people I talked to about my anxiety problems have themselves been on anxiety medication at some point in their lives. The more I talked about it, the more I realized I was not alone at all. Some people needed it short-term, some needed it longer. Taking meds for this problem, a brain chemical imbalance in my case, is no different than taking a pill for high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. My quality of life had substantially diminished because of my anxiety problems.
I've also learned to allow the "what ifs" to draw to their natural conclusions. For example, sometimes I would avoid driving on the interstate because I was fearful of a bad crash. What's the worst thing that could happen? I'd die and rush into the arms of Jesus for eternity. Not too shabby. I could have injuries. Ok, then the ambulance would come and take me the hospital. I could have minor injuries. I would have to get my car repaired or replaced. All not truly terrible terrible terrible things. I've retrained my brain to do this whenever I start falling into the "what ifs."
Most importantly, I've learned how to trust the Lord in a whole new way. I've learned to let go, to let His will (even if it's not ideal) be my comfort because His ways are best. My view of my life and circumstances are very limited, but His eyes have an eternal picture in mind. Jeremiah 29:11, which says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" actually makes sense to me now. He brought such comfort to me during those dark days. Each and every time I turned to the Word that week, there were verses that specifically addressed my anxiety issues. He walked me right through the storm and never left my side.
It's a sweet relief to be able to relinquish the control I thought I needed to have on my life to the Lord Jesus. He has set me free from my bondage to anxiety.
If you know someone with true, life-altering anxiety problems, it is easy to tell them not to worry. If they are a believer in Jesus, it is even easier to tell them that they don't trust God enough, or that they need to read Philippians 4:6 about not being anxious and just praying about it. But sometimes, there is a medical issue at hand (in my case, brain chemical imbalance) and it cannot be helped. I tell people that my anxiety nowadays is purely physical. It is nothing from my mind or emotions... it is just my imperfect, flawed-by-sin, covered-in-grace body doing what it does and I can't help it. Please be sensitive to that in others.
If you struggle with any of these issues, make a doctor's appointment right away. Not everyone has a need for medication, and your doctor can quickly determine if you do just by asking a few questions.
Thank you for letting me share this little bit about my life with you, and more importantly, how the Lord provided for me through people, medicine, and his Word to bring healing to my bones. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 tells of Paul's response to a flaw in his life that wouldn't go away.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
That is my response too. I am thankful for this flaw in my life because it allows God's raise-a-dead-man-from-the-grave power to flourish in my life because a huge gap was left by my own weaknesses.
When I am weak, then I am strong. Thank you Jesus.
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