In May, I had a truth bomb fall on me as I sat in a Classical Conversations Parent Practicum session. The speaker was talking about the different parts of a part of classical education known as the Trivium. Trivium means three roads in Latin, and this reflects the arts of grammar, dialectic, and rhetoric. As Dorothy Sayers noticed in 1947, they also happen to compliment three distinct developmental stages of childhood brain development.
From birth through upper elementary, children are very good at and generally most interested in memorization of facts. Pre-teen/middle school students are connecting the dots between facts, seeing cause/effect relationships, wanting to know "why" in a deeper way, and forming opinions. They are interested in defending these opinions more staunchly. High schoolers are taking what they already know to solve problems, defend their opinions, lead discussions, and teach others.
In talking about the tweeny argumentative phase, the speaker said something to the effect of "This is when simply telling your child 'no' isn't good enough anymore." And I knew in that moment I knew parenting our pre-pre-teens was going to have to start changing.
We have spent the first decade of parenting with an expectation of first-time obedience in our little kids. Now, just because the expectation is there doesn't mean it always happens that way because it totally doesn't. But why first-time obedience? There are many reasons, but ultimately, it boils down to establishing a trusting relationship between parent and child. Even at young ages, we want our kids to trust us when we tell them what to do because because we know what is best for them -- Share your toys. Don't hit your brother. Eat your vegetables. Don't stomp on your Grandpa's legs (add that the list of things weird things parents have to say). And in the path of an oncoming car - STOP!
It's very black and white: do this, don't do that. This is behavior modification. When they are little kids, this is important and sometimes a matter of life and death (re: oncoming car).
As we approach these middle years with our oldest two kids, I don't want to hold them under my thumb in the name of behavior modification. For one, neurologically, they will buck the system and that won't be pretty. Obviously I've not parented tweens before, but veteran classically educating parents say this is the time to capitalize on the traditional argumentative spirit of a tween and teach them how to properly debate. This is the time to talk, talk, talk, which is why we connect it to the word "dialectic" -- because so much takes place through dialog.
Secondly, we are shaping Kingdom hearts for Kingdom purposes and do do that well, we can't rely on behavior modification. To expect teens and young adults to follow a set of rules is to place them under the law. And to be quite honest, behavior modification is sending teenagers out of the church in droves. Christian-themed morality says
We have spent the first decade of parenting with an expectation of first-time obedience in our little kids. Now, just because the expectation is there doesn't mean it always happens that way because it totally doesn't. But why first-time obedience? There are many reasons, but ultimately, it boils down to establishing a trusting relationship between parent and child. Even at young ages, we want our kids to trust us when we tell them what to do because because we know what is best for them -- Share your toys. Don't hit your brother. Eat your vegetables. Don't stomp on your Grandpa's legs (add that the list of things weird things parents have to say). And in the path of an oncoming car - STOP!
It's very black and white: do this, don't do that. This is behavior modification. When they are little kids, this is important and sometimes a matter of life and death (re: oncoming car).
As we approach these middle years with our oldest two kids, I don't want to hold them under my thumb in the name of behavior modification. For one, neurologically, they will buck the system and that won't be pretty. Obviously I've not parented tweens before, but veteran classically educating parents say this is the time to capitalize on the traditional argumentative spirit of a tween and teach them how to properly debate. This is the time to talk, talk, talk, which is why we connect it to the word "dialectic" -- because so much takes place through dialog.
Secondly, we are shaping Kingdom hearts for Kingdom purposes and do do that well, we can't rely on behavior modification. To expect teens and young adults to follow a set of rules is to place them under the law. And to be quite honest, behavior modification is sending teenagers out of the church in droves. Christian-themed morality says
Be helpful. Don't hang out with bad kids. Be good. Go to church. Don't swear. Don't have sex before marriage. Be a good student. Read your Bible. Be nice. Only watch these kinds of movies and tv shows. Volunteer. Don't mess up. Because I said so.
Are these things bad? Absolutely not. But these static dos and don'ts are killing the spirits of young adults and and sending them running to anything else that seems warm, friendly, and inviting. It says that all God is interested in is a certain set of behaviors, and if you mess that up, you're not good enough for Him anymore. Nothing could be further from the Truth.
So what do we hope for as we parent our kids as we approach this new season? Not morality in the form of behavior modification, but heart change prompted by the power of the Gospel. Pointing them to a God whose raise-a-dead-man-from-the-grave power lives inside of them, empowering them to what He's called them to do. To steal the title of a book by Josh McDowell, getting them beyond belief to convictions (meaning it's not enough to just believe in God -- we need to point our kids' hearts toward being changed from the inside out by Jesus Christ). Getting to the "why" of our rules and expectations and how it will always be rooted in God's Word. Allowing healthy debate. Most importantly, living transparent lives before our kids and letting them see our struggles and victories and that God is real!
This is why a simple "no" won't really be good enough any more. I have no idea what parenting in the next 10 years will look like or how it will work exactly; we're just getting started. And probably way too naive, haha! But at least I know we're pointed in the right direction.
This is why a simple "no" won't really be good enough any more. I have no idea what parenting in the next 10 years will look like or how it will work exactly; we're just getting started. And probably way too naive, haha! But at least I know we're pointed in the right direction.
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